For adult children: what to notice, and how to start the talk

What should I notice on a visit?

• Mail and bills piling up, or late-payment notices
• Out-of-date or spoiled food; weight loss
• Medicines untaken, or taken twice
• New dents or scrapes on the car
• A house less kept than usual — laundry, dishes, the yard, the smell
• Bruises, or “I just tripped”
• Fewer friends; missed church, clubs or the senior centre
• New “friends” on the phone or online asking for money
• Confusion with familiar tasks: the thermostat, the TV remote, the chequebook

How do I start the conversation?

• Ask, don’t announce. “What would you want if the stairs got hard?” goes better than “You need to move.”
• Talk about what you saw, not about age.
• One subject per visit. Driving one visit, the papers another, the house another.
• Choose the moment — a quiet walk, not the holiday table.
• Listen for what they are afraid of losing: independence, the house, friends, being a burden.
• It is their decision while they can make it. Your job is to make sure it is an informed one.

Openers that tend to work

• “I read something about planning ahead and it made me think about us. Can I ask you a few things?”
• “If something happened to you in the night, who would you call?”
• “Where do you keep your important papers, in case I ever need them?”

How do siblings stay on the same side?

1. Meet without your parent first — by video if you are scattered.
2. Agree what you have each seen, and what worries you most.
3. Agree who does what: money, medical, visits, the house.
4. Agree how decisions will be made, and who talks to your parent.
5. Write it down and share it.

How can I help from another state?

• Print the one-page sheet for their town (on the home page, under “One page for the fridge”) and put it on the fridge
• Save their Council on Aging’s number in your own phone — staff talk to families off-Cape all the time
• Make sure the papers are signed, and you know where they are
• Find one local person who can drop by — a neighbour, a friend from church, a paid companion
• A geriatric care manager can be your eyes on the ground
• Ask about Meals on Wheels — a daily delivery is also a daily check
• On the Lower Cape, look at volunteer neighbour groups such as Nauset Neighbors

And look after yourself

Caring from a distance is its own strain: guilt, travel, and phone calls at bad hours. Caregiver support groups include long-distance carers, and many meet by video.

When you have talked, use staying or going? together.

Mistakes families make

1. Arriving with a plan instead of questions.
2. Raising everything at once, at a holiday meal.
3. Siblings disagreeing in front of the parent.
4. Taking over tasks the parent can still do.
5. Waiting for a crisis to learn where the papers are.